The back story to my contest Entry

I almost went to Art institutes but I am poor and I found a different form of art I want to pursue I want to become a Special Effects Makeup artist. After I cried about not being able to win because my skill level is low, I was talked into it and I finally decided that I was going to enter this contest even if I don't win. I might not have the technical skill, or have had a proper class in drawing art, and I may never but I know that My heart and soul went into this piece and I have never struggled with myself as an artist and as an individual on a piece ever. I am currently and have always going through a hard time financially and emotionally that drawing my first side was pretty easy because I am currently and have always been hurting on the inside I too. On September 13th one of my closest friends committed suicide with a letter to me. She told me I needed to start making myself happy and start doing things for me and to start following my dreams. She knew that all my life I have helped others without helping myself and I had always put everyone else in front of me, I never took the time to make myself happy ever in my life. So as her dying wish she asked me to for once do something for myself, So I moved out to California to go to my school for SFX Makeup. I haven't been able to attend because I can't afford it, I just recently got a job and my car broke down the week before my friend committed suicide so now I have to find a car first then get started on saving up for school again. While also working on scholarship pieces for my school (which is expensive as well) and keeping up with my job. I haven't had a great life I have been suicidal I was sexually molested by a family member when I was younger as well and this is my 3rd friend that has committed suicide, from the beginning I have been in shambles with no one to help me pick up the pieces, and I was too busy helping others to realize that I was a mess and needed work and that the world and friends and family would keep going without my help. That's why it was so hard to figure out what I wanted to do for the second side, I knew I wanted to go happy I knew I wanted to go light and fun but I didn't know what to draw that represented me being happy because I have always felt the feeling happiness but I have never genuinely been happy. So it took me atleast 2 days to figure out what I wanted to draw so I asked my friend what to do I told him about the contest I shared the link of the contest with him he read it over and I asked him what made him truly happy. He told me that it was me that made him happy but it didn't matter what I did that made him happy because this piece wasn't about him it was about me. He told me spending some time with myself would help me figure it out and then he stopped texting me and got everyone else to stop texting me and to leave me alone for a few days. So I was secluded in my room with my tablet and myself. I thought for hours, while I was driving while I was at work while I was writing and while I was sleeping and I couldn't figure out what made me happy I couldn't find something that made me happy until I started remembering my friends that had died. I started remembering conversations we had I started going through our facebook messages and our skype messages and the one common thing that they told me they liked most about me was the fact that I could make them happy and smile and laugh even if they didn't feel like it, and I crying because I remembered that I would no longer be able to talk to these friends or make them laugh to alleviate the pain they were going through and thats when I started drawing in the midst of my tears and emotions I was finally understanding, I was finally feeling happy and I knew what I was going to draw I saw it, and I held onto it as I for once in my life pinned my heart on my shoulder cast all self judgement aside, and put me into my work after many months of not drawing after 3 friends death and after the hardships I faced I finally knew what made me happy what made me truly and genuinely happy. That was making people laugh and smile Thats why the right side has a silly face to hopefully inspire and evoke happiness So this is a tribute to those in my life who have fallen and are thinking about falling and most importantly (even though it sounds super vain and stupid) But a this is most importantly a tribute to myself and what drove me to become the person I am today and the better artist I will become I may not have the technical skill for this contest, and I may never have the technical skill but, thats my story behind my entry I am sure every artist has a story behind their entry, and I wish you all luck and Congrats to the winner! I am sorry this is so long and most people will skim past it but thats okay too. If you want to share your story let me know I will read it no matter how long. For those who are saying 'I'm not good enough" "my skill isn't that great" some advice from a broken person with experience in putting themselves down, You will never get far in life if you don't try to love your work and yourself, Even if you don't have 'the skill' enter as a check point enter as a promise to yourself to love who you are and what you do, because everyone even the greatest artists still have room for improvement, we all start somewhere so why not start here?