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About Varied / Hobbyist Rag Doll21/Other/United States Recent Activity
Deviant for 6 Years
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anime expo 2010 ill get 2009 up as soon as i get the pucs off my phone >.<



Devil inside by xDisturbedChildrenx
Devil inside
I was trying to go for the fem version but decided to go my own way :)
The back story to my contest Entry by xDisturbedChildrenx
The back story to my contest Entry
I almost went to Art institutes but I am poor and I found a different form of art I want to pursue I want to become a Special Effects Makeup artist. :) After I cried about not being able to win because my skill level is low, I was talked into it and I finally decided that I was going to enter this contest even if I don't win. I might not have the technical skill, or have had a proper class in drawing art, and I may never but I know that My heart and soul went into this piece and I have never struggled with myself as an artist and as an individual on a piece ever. I am currently and have always going through a hard time financially and emotionally that drawing my first side was pretty easy because I am currently and have always been hurting on the inside I too. On September 13th one of my closest friends committed suicide with a letter to me. She told me I needed to start making myself happy and start doing things for me and to start following my dreams. She knew that all my life I have helped others without helping myself and I had always put everyone else in front of me, I never took the time to make myself happy ever in my life. So as her dying wish she asked me to for once do something for myself, So I moved out to California to go to my school for SFX Makeup. I haven't been able to attend because I can't afford it, I just recently got a job and my car broke down the week before my friend committed suicide so now I have to find a car first then get started on saving up for school again. While also working on scholarship pieces for my school (which is expensive as well) and keeping up with my job. I haven't had a great life I have been suicidal I was sexually molested by a family member when I was younger as well and this is my 3rd friend that has committed suicide, from the beginning I have been in shambles with no one to help me pick up the pieces, and I was too busy helping others to realize that I was a mess and needed work and that the world and friends and family would keep going without my help. That's why it was so hard to figure out what I wanted to do for the second side, I knew I wanted to go happy I knew I wanted to go light and fun but I didn't know what to draw that represented me being happy because I have always felt the feeling happiness but I have never genuinely been happy. So it took me atleast 2 days to figure out what I wanted to draw so I asked my friend what to do I told him about the contest I shared the link of the contest with him he read it over and I asked him what made him truly happy. He told me that it was me that made him happy but it didn't matter what I did that made him happy because this piece wasn't about him it was about me. He told me spending some time with myself would help me figure it out and then he stopped texting me and got everyone else to stop texting me and to leave me alone for a few days. So I was secluded in my room with my tablet and myself. I thought for hours, while I was driving while I was at work while I was writing and while I was sleeping and I couldn't figure out what made me happy I couldn't find something that made me happy until I started remembering my friends that had died. I started remembering conversations we had I started going through our facebook messages and our skype messages and the one common thing that they told me they liked most about me was the fact that I could make them happy and smile and laugh even if they didn't feel like it, and I crying because I remembered that I would no longer be able to talk to these friends or make them laugh to alleviate the pain they were going through and thats when I started drawing in the midst of my tears and emotions I was finally understanding, I was finally feeling happy and I knew what I was going to draw I saw it, and I held onto it as I for once in my life pinned my heart on my shoulder cast all self judgement aside, and put me into my work after many months of not drawing after 3 friends death and after the hardships I faced I finally knew what made me happy what made me truly and genuinely happy. That was making people laugh and smile Thats why the right side has a silly face to hopefully inspire and evoke happiness So this is a tribute to those in my life who have fallen and are thinking about falling and most importantly (even though it sounds super vain and stupid) But a this is most importantly a tribute to myself and what drove me to become the person I am today and the better artist I will become:) I may not have the technical skill for this contest, and I may never have the technical skill but, thats my story behind my entry I am sure every artist has a story behind their entry, and I wish you all luck and Congrats to the winner! I am sorry this is so long and most people will skim past it but thats okay too. If you want to share your story let me know :) I will read it no matter how long. For those who are saying 'I'm not good enough" "my skill isn't that great" some advice from a broken person with experience in putting themselves down, You will never get far in life if you don't try to love your work and yourself, Even if you don't have 'the skill' enter as a check point enter as a promise to yourself to love who you are and what you do, because everyone even the greatest artists still have room for improvement, we all start somewhere so why not start here? 
I did something a little different by xDisturbedChildrenx
I did something a little different
Most of my life I have always used Art and writing as an escape because I was depressed and suicidal and art always let me feel a little better though I never succeeded in committing suicide I started drawing more and more. I never felt adequate in my drawing because I never had a proper class and because others were so much better than me at EVERYTHING I thought: drawing, life, living, faking a smile, everything I felt utterly useless and worthless that I couldn't draw anymore. so for a long time I decided I wouldn't draw I couldn't kill myself I couldn't draw so I stopped. I was an empty shell of a human being and then one day I found what made me genuinely happy was making people laugh and feel emotion, something that I couldn't in my early stages. So now I'm still depressed at times but I am mostly happy because I found what I love and I want to continue to make people laugh and smile even if just for a minute. That's why I have one side non compliant with gravity lol. I hope everyone enjoys this piece I took my time on this and I love it :)
Why in the World would you push me away?
You say you love me but day after day,
You bitch and complain about anything little thing
I cry in pain over the same old thing.

You tell me I'm worthless in so many ways
That some days I believe it so life passes in a haze
I hope and I wish that this is just a phase
But for 20 years? and nothing has Changed?
You tell me I need to fix myself
You tell me I have a bad Attitude
But I can't help but wonder what 
You are doing to help me?

I am like a mirror I reflect what I see
And if you don't like how I am 
Then maybe Just maybe it isn't me.
You gripe and wine tell me I'm nothing, its over
You tell me I'm just like your mother.
But if anyone acts like Satan down below
Its you 10 times over.

Your logic is backwards your words are false
You cry help me but never give me a chance
I try to work with you but sometimes its for not
My heart is constantly in a knot

All I think about is the day I leave 
I forget about you and the pain I receive
My self esteem is always plummeting
you break and send my confidence rumbling

You "want me to succeed" But so often you bring me down
I feel there's nothing I can do but get out of town
Its like you've never wanted me never even cared
All those I love you's where just forced and scarce

I have tried and tried but you see nothing I do
Little things and Big things those were all for you
All you tell me "it could have been better."
Even like this past mothers day letter.

I get it I'm going less than 6 weeks to go
I wont call or write or even let you know
where I go from here its over we're through
I give out my goodbyes and say I love you
Of course you wont believe me
You'll push me away 
And Ill leave feeling the same old way.

I love you I do but I'm tired, just tired and sometimes I just don't get why you are so frantically trying to push me away. I know you will say you're not and get upset but that's how it feels more often than not. Your attitude on the smallest of things can change my mind and everything. I am at the point that when I leave I wont want to call you I just want to know you love me for me and not one of those forced I love yous I actually don't want you to say anything to me I want you to show me. Because I am tired of trying to fix myself for you but you never try to fix your self for me. I am tired of trying and failing to see what you really want I am not super human I am not practiced I suck at everything I know trust me if anyone knows its me. But you don't trust me in anything that I do I know you want to protect me but I have to make mistakes too. You have to understand and realize that You can't tell me how I am feeling and you DO NOT know what I am thinking. Only I know those things because there are things you think you know but you have no Idea. I feel like you are pushing me away but I don't know why.
  • Mood: Miserable


xDisturbedChildrenx's Profile Picture
Rag Doll
Artist | Hobbyist | Varied
United States
There isn't much to it I am a Cosplayer, artist, and a Jack of all trades if you teach me how to do it I will have it chizzled into my memory for the rest of my life. I am nice and caring but my limits have reached it end I am frustrated with everything at the moment and I seem to be out of place and bald from ripping my hair out. I am not sure how to go about my life any more but I am making a trip and hopefully it will shed some light onto my dim dark world. I am currently in a cosplay group and though we havent started yet I know we will have fun making videos for the world to see.

Current Residence: Somewhere in America
Favourite genre of music: all except some rap and country
Favourite style of art: manga, cartooning Animations, Surreal and anything that catches my eye
MP3 player of choice: ipod
Shell of choice: Hard
Wallpaper of choice: unique
Skin of choice: racist batsatard! ill take the chicken then Please
Favorite cartoon character: uhhhh all the hotties
Personal Quote: The next words that better come out of your mouth better be some Mark Twain shit cuz' They'll be chizzled on your tomb stone.

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Add a Comment:
pazlowq Featured By Owner Dec 6, 2014   Traditional Artist
Happy Birthday!
xDisturbedChildrenx Featured By Owner Dec 7, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Thank you! :3
Judaszuechtung Featured By Owner Oct 21, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
 your fav is a great help for my contest effort stay in good postion in the view list
thank you a lot
xDisturbedChildrenx Featured By Owner Oct 21, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
What contest? the Jouney contest?
Judaszuechtung Featured By Owner Oct 21, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
exact, may be my aswere is a bit  late
made this one:…
xDisturbedChildrenx Featured By Owner Oct 21, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Oh I am entering that one as well :)

This is the actual submission

This is the entry flipped with the origanal :)

I wish you luck in the competition :)
(1 Reply)
DamaiMikaz Featured By Owner Sep 4, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Tnx for the fav :la:
xDisturbedChildrenx Featured By Owner Sep 5, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
You are welcome :)
Chimera-Fox Featured By Owner Aug 1, 2014  Student General Artist
thx 4 the fav!
xDisturbedChildrenx Featured By Owner Aug 1, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
you are welcome
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